Only Villains Do That

4.38 In Which the Dark Lord Sets Up His Pieces

Are you quite sure you comprehend what you are asking? Lady Elidred inquired of me in deadly calm.

I was present when the Archlord laid out his idiotic scheme, I said. Yes, I understand the enforcement methods, and I am prepared to completely obviate them in your casewhich, rest assured, is a boon I am offering only to Clan Yviredh out of every Clan I mean to pressure, by every means at my disposal, to comply with my resistance. If you dont comply with his ludicrous scheme, Caludon will fine your Clan an amount equivalent to the cost of any relief supplies already spent here. I am given to understand you have a good chance of recouping that amount through the courts after the factwhich will be even better the more Clans press similar suits, which they willbut in the meantime, I will personally reimburse you.

Highlord Adver and his wife exchanged a guarded glance.

I should caution you, Lord Seiji, said Adver, that whatever you have been told, regaining any coin through the courts isfar from a sure thing.

Of course. I wasnt talking about a loan; I will cover any financial distress caused to you by this business, no strings attached. If you can get your money back legally, you keep that as well.

How generous, Elidred replied, her deadpan delivery conveying more skepticism than an openly skeptical expression would.

It would be a lie if I denied having thought about holding it over them, but fortunately Id done that thinking before this visit to Caer Yviredh and quickly determined that aside from being an unnecessarily dickish thing to do, it wasnt in the long-term interests of my campaign here. I got better results from people by arranging situations such that meeting my needs naturally met their own.

You have been exemplary allies despite ourrocky start, I said aloud. In particular, Lady Elidred, your quick thinking at Caer Ardyllen last week was responsible for alleviating a lot of needless suffering on this island. Its unfortunate what resulted from it afterward, but the antics of an unhinged beast like Caludon Aelthwyn are inherently unpredictable. I intend to see that Clan Yviredh is safe, protected, and well-supported to the extent I can arrange it. Seems fair, dont you think?

Ah, but you have named the problem exactly, Elidred said softly. Under any normal circumstances, the relief and support you have offered would more than cover our needs.

The circumstances, however, are anything but normal, Adver continued. All this is happening because Caludon Aelthwyn has taken an interest in you, my lord. He wants to playand you are truly a newcomer to this island if that sentence does not turn your very blood to ice. Surviving under that mans rule is very much a function of doing nothing to draw his attention. What you are asking of us is to stand against him when he is already in the mood for one of his horrific games. And not only that, but to be the first among the Clans to do so.

Lord Seiji, Elidred added with quiet intensity, we have children.

I nodded, slowly, letting them see that I was listening and taking their concerns seriously. In a situation like this, where so much was wrapped up in subtext and context and history, my bearing and expression were as important as anything I actually said. Not all showtimes are loud.

Let me ask you this, I said after giving it a moment to sink in. Assuming you decline to play Caludons game and pay his fine Does he then have any legitimate, legal recourse to punish you further?

None at all, which is hardly the point, Adver replied with a sharp edge to his tone. A man like that is even less constrained by legalities than the average Archlord, which says a great deal. If he decides our suffering would entertain him

I must spare you a demonstration, as any such would be damaging to your property, I said with a very thin, very calm smile, so you will have to accept my word that I am capable of annihilating Caludon, Nazfryn, and any forces they bring to bear. Just myself, personally, to say nothing of what my entire organization could do. That, in fact, is the most frustrating thing about all this, to me: I am decidedly less capable of facing down the ever-escalating repercussions of such an action. Full-scale military action by the central government would spell doom for us all, and so I must tolerate that mans continued existence despite having the raw power to end it.

I paused, letting my smile widen.

Matters are different if he were to send surreptitious agents he cannot afford to acknowledge to meddle in my businessor yours, my lord and lady. I continue to keep a watch posted on your lands; in the days to come, I plan to increase it, in capability if not in numbers. I mean to be certain my people spot any shady characters sniffing around your affairs. I shall take great satisfaction in making them disappear.

They met each others gazes again, having one of those swift, silent conversations long-married couples seemed able to.

A bold claim, Adver said neutrally.

Someday, inevitably, they were going to find out it was a Dark Lord they were in bed with, but I couldnt afford to let that slip until they were in too deep to realistically be able to turn on me over it. I realize our acquaintance has not been long, or intimate, but have you known me to make statements I could not back up?

On the contrary, Elidred admitted with a sigh, I suppose it is a relief to hear that your realistic assessment of reaction and consequence stays your hand from any rash outbursts of violence. Though that, again, inevitably causes me to resent your suggestion that we should take that risk upon ourselves.

So many people on this island just refuse to do the minimally decent thing unless I force them to, I whispered. Itsmaddening. The thing I have come to appreciate most about you, my lord, my lady, is that you were already doing better before I came along. That it only took you speaking with and listening to Rhaem Flaerdwyd to begin changing your ways. An insulated, isolated upbringing can distort a persons view of right and wrong, but you have always tried to be good people. What we are facing now is evil: grotesque, unnecessary, self-indulgent, pointless cruelty for the sake of cruelty. Someone has to take a stand. It will never be safe for the first to do sobut if everyone waits for someone else to do it, no one ever will. You will not be standing alone, and you will have strength at your back that your enemies cannot anticipate. There will never be certainty, but you are in a better position than most could ever be.

Elidred sighed again. Maithrynn at the hollow banquet. Adver smiled at her, only slightly but still warmly.

Im afraid I havent read that one, I said, carefully not outwardly expressing any irritation.

Your countless manipulations I do not begrudge, good sir, but this naked appeal to my better nature I rather resent, Adver quoted. In the storyit was that appeal that moved the princess to act.

Tell me, Lord Seiji, Elidred whispered. You have promised to shelter themour son and daughter, as well as Master Flaerdwyd. Should it come to that What sort of environment is it you offer, for young children?

Probably not one you would prefer, I answered frankly, but probably much better than you are picturing. There are other children for them to befriend.

Both of them looked openly surprised, and I tried to suppress the tiny spark of schadenfreude.

Orphans, mostly, from the Gutters.

Elidred openly winced.

And, I continued quickly, as you have already seen, several highborn ladies who Im sure will not object to taking over some lessons. If the kids are to stay with us for any length of time, I can and will make sure they are properly educated in the etiquette and responsibilities of their position. I wont lie, theyll probably pick up someunconventional skills and vocabulary you would rather they did not, but we can at least see to it they know when and how to behave, and not display any of that inappropriately. It seems to me that for a highborn, the unexpected ability to pick locks or pockets and handle a throwing knife would only be an asset, so long as they dont show it to the wrong person. But I realize thats very easy for me to say, not being a parent myself.

For a second, unbidden, I had a sudden recollection of guitar practice with the kids and their goblin-sourced instruments, Gilder and Benit plucking at their small guitars, Aenit on the slidepipe, Radon whacking away at a nifty little percussion piece the goblins had that was like a hybrid of cymbal and tambourine. It was truly something, seeing the wonder and joy on their faces as they got the hang of the music, remembering what that felt like.

Oh, shut up, Aster.

All these travails we are putting ourselves through for the sake of preserving Clan Yviredh, Adver said, straightening his back. Ensuring there is a demesne and a name for Ediver and Avelit to inherit. There hardly seems a point, if it is not a name in which they can take pride.

Elidred hesitated, but then closed her eyes and nodded once at her husband. He reached over and took her hand.

Truly, Lord Seiji, the Highlord said wryly, for a master of bandits, you are remarkablyand contagiouslyfocused upon doing what is right.

This is just that kind of country, Im afraid.

And so it shall remain, if no one does anything. Very well. If I have your word that you will help protect my family, you have mine that we shall take that stand. And may the Goddess watch over us all.

As if I could stop her.

My next house call was not so warmly received.

You dare to show your face here? Highlord Caldimer Olumnach spat, stalking into the gazebo to which Id been politely shown upon arriving unexpectedly inside his estate. Fortunately his guards and servants knew who I was and had run to fetch their master without me needing to cast a spell upside anyones head. The lowborn had all cleared out at a barked order from the Highlord, but he was followed at a discreet distance by two of the highborn not related to Clan Olumnach but apparently beholden to it. I didnt know their names, but I recognized these guys, having personally confiscated their pants a while back.

Good times.

I held out the prop I had brought. Do you recognize this?

Caldimer narrowed his eyes suspiciously at me, but took the long wrapped object from my hand, roughly jerking off the silk cloth.

Immediately his eyes widened and he clutched the sheathed rapier in suddenly trembling hands. Ariders sword had mostly been gathering dust in my room since Id acquired my Rapier of Mastery. After Gizmit had found me a less ostentatious mundane rapier, I honestly had no more need for the thing and preferred to carry something less recognizable. Now

Caldimer was a piece of shit and he had by all accounts raised Arider to be an even worse one. I could not make myself regret having removed the younger Lord Olumnach from the world and didnt mean to hesitate when it came time to finish off the elder, but even so. You couldnt look a grieving father in the face and feel nothing. Especially not in a situation like this, when I had deliberately inflicted this surprise emotional attack to throw him off balance, the better to manipulate him for my own purposes.

I have been cleaning out some of Grays troves of spoils, I said evenly. My people claim there are probably still more and are looking for them; weve found only a few so far. I was told that sword in particular wasunique, and probably still there because it would be hard to sell.

One of a matched pair, Caldimer whispered. Ino longer wear the other.

I nodded once. I cant make promises, of course, but Anything else youd like me to look out for, if I find any more caches?

Briefly, the sword trembled again in his grasp. Arider liked to carry a spyglass. Collapsible, bound in gold. A gift from his late mother. It went missing when he

Yeah, sorry, he wasnt getting that back. It was just too damn useful to me.

That sounds distinctive, I said neutrally. I will have my people keep an eye out for it. But I would not presume to intrude on your hospitality for sentimental reasons, Highlord. Caludon has made his final mistake, and the time has come for us to act.

Ah, yes. I assure you I am well aware of that imbeciles latest diversion, as well as his sudden fixation upon you. Lowering the sword to his side, Caldimer stared coldly at me. I gather that you have a counter-strategy in mind? Considering it was apparently you who provoked him, it seems the least you could offer.

I refuse to take the blame for anything that maniac chooses to do, I replied testily. Just add it to the long list of grievances for us to take up with the worms in his brain. But yes, this time he has royally outsmarted himself and created exactly the opportunity we need to finish him off and put you in his place. Before that, how have you fared at making the arrangements I need with Godspire?

His nostrils flared in a tiny, impatient sport, but he answered. Progress is ongoing. Understand that my rank does not give me standing to negotiate openly with a sovereign government; this is a process of building connections and exchanging favors, which takes the longer because I cannot be away from my own estates for the duration and must rely on intermediaries. If you believe the end of our mutual campaign is nigh, Lord Seiji, I can attempt to hasten, but you should not expect immediate results under any circumstances.

Very well, that is fair. Having not the standing even to do this much for myself, I must rely upon you, Highlord. You brazen fucking liar, I thought with carefully suppressed amusement. He hadnt done jack shit to ingratiate himself with Godspire, on my behalf or anyones; I knew that just from my assessment of the mans character and situation, even before I had Gizmit keeping an eye on comings and goings from Caer Olumnach to confirm the lack of any particular commerce with Godspire. But I needed to ask about that first because I needed him to think it was important to me. He was only under my control so long as he believed I was under his.

I am nothing if not a man of my word, he had the absolute gall to say right to my face. Now, regarding the matter at hand?

As you noted, that fool Caludon seems to have fixated on mewhich is perfect, as we need it to be you who ultimately brings him down. Further, hes finally gone and made his definitive mistake. Im surprised it took this long, but apparently no one was seriously making an effort to unseat him before.

Caldimers eyes narrowed accusingly. I have been focused upon more immediate matters.

Until I brought you the head of those immediate matters in a jar? I replied with a tight smile. Were not here to litigate history; what matters it the opportunity before us now. Caludons newest scheme requires him to call upon the obedience of the Clans of Dount to carry it out.

I paused for a beat, deliberately widening my smile.

Tell me, Highlord. Have you read Liaus Interlocutions?

Slowly, Olumnachs own expression evolved into a cruel, catlike little smirk to mirror my own. He was almost as easy to lead as he was to read.

Ah, yes. Never issue an order which will not be obeyed

And cannot be enforced. I nodded. Hes gotten too comfortable with the inability of his rivals to strike at him directly. Admittedly that has been constraining us, but now we can rip the entire rug out from beneath him. Obviously, my lord, youll have spotted this immediately; I have little ability to put pressure upon the other Clans, but as this is the perfect moment for Clan Olumnach to display leadership, I wish to coordinate so that our efforts do not trip one another up. Most still believe that this islands bandit gangs answer to you, Highlord. I shall rely upon your orders to determine who should be surreptitiously aided against Caludons overreach, and whoreprimanded.

Indeed, I am in the process of drawing up a detailed plan, he said haughtily, and while I couldnt be certain it was a lie I strongly suspected hed not had a glimmer of this idea until I came here and spelled it out for him. While I realize time is short, this calls for meticulous strategy; the interrelations between the Clans are an intricate web which I could not possibly expect an outsider to understand. You have done well, Lord Seiji, to come to me before acting.

I inclined my head. You see why I considered this visit urgent; henceforth I shall continue sending messengers to the usual drop points, so you can convey your orders. I might even mostly carry them out; I had Gizmit putting together our own plan but except in specific cases where I might need to establish a long-term connection, I mostly didnt care whether any particular Clan got the carrot or the stick. Especially if I could pin selective blame upon Olumnach. I presume, as a matter of course, you will exert direct authority over the smaller Clans whose lands border your own?

Yes, well spotted. I definitely dont need you undermining me on that front. Once I have expelled Caludons overweening accountants and locked down the distributed supplies for the benefit of my own people, my immediate neighbors will mostly follow suit. The weak always long for the strong to set them as an example, as Im sure you have observed, Lord Seiji. Any more specific urging I will handle directly. It is beyond these environs that matters become more uncertain.

Of course. I shall await your directives once your grand strategy is fully formed. WhewId been worried I was going to have to talk him down from doing something actually effective. But no, he was just going to openly throw his weight around, making himself a target for Caludon and burning what few bridges he still had with the other Clans. Obviously I would have my own people continue monitoring the situation rather than blithely assuming Caldimer Olumnach meant to do what he claimed to, but it was consistent with what I knew of him. Honestly, had he not been born into immense power and wealth he would never have been able to contend for so long with a legitimate talent like Lady Gray. Sometimes I regretted gunning for her first; Caldimer wouldve been a much more forgiving first opponent on which to sharpen my skills before throwing down with a serious rival. Unfortunately, that made this next part rather delicate. Ive been told I accidentally started a fashion in the process of teaching Lhadron Ardyllen some manners. Peculiar, but its not the first time Ive found myself baffled by you Fflyr. So long as thats still going on, at any rate, I presume youve leveraged it to advantage. Not to tell you your own business, Highlord, but Clan Olumnachs prestige is now a military asset and relevant to our plans

Ah, yes, I was delighted to hear how you raked that insipid young fop over the coals, and rather miffed at having missed itthough such is the price of not being enough of an idiot to gawk at a few zombies in the snow. Really, of all the Highlords who shouldnt need some outlander to educate him on when it is best to apply the crop, and when the feedbag. Im just glad someone finally took him to task. You neednt worry, my Lord, Clan Olumnach has always led by that example. Lowborn minding their place in the fields and factories are an entirely other matter than bandits, who exist only to be squeezed for what little value remains in them. A well-fed peasant is a productive one.

Splendid, then thats a bit of luck. The fad comes along at exactly the right time to be useful to us. Whichwasnt ideal. I knew already that Clan Olumnachs lowborn werent well-treated, because no lowborn in this hellhole were well-treated, but it was true that he didnt have a reputation for unnecessary abuse or neglect of his own subjectscompared to his peers, at least. Unfortunately, I didnt need him gaining any actual respect, or any other kind of soft power he could then leverage. Should I try to? No, I immediately decided, it was too risky. I was never going to arrange an absolute perfect scenario for myself; if I had to settle for less than the ideal, I preferred to err on the side of the people being fed and sheltered. Thank you, Highlord, I am relieved to find you a step ahead of me. Caludon, predictable creature that he is, will go utterly berserk when everyone just ignores him. Once you have rallied the Clans, I suspect it will take relatively little prompting for him to launch the outright attack that will be his final undoing. Even if he retains the sense not to jump at the bait, it should prove feasible to create the impression that he has. And then

And then, he is mine, Caldimer hissed, hands clenching on the sheath of his sons rapier. And finally, Lord Seiji, you and I shall both receive our due.

My god, he even smirked at me. How was this guy a real player in my plans? His intentions were all over his face. That was the problem with hereditary nobilitywell, one of themyou ended up with people in charge who were barely able to function, much less rule. I was still going to keep a careful watch on him for any mischief, but right now Caldimer Olumnach was the least of my worries, now that Id pointed his nose in the right direction.

Then Ill take no more of your time, Highlord. I shall see your orders carried out; see that you do not forget your promise.

Id made it a full step away before he spoke.

I find myself wondering, Lord Seiji, if you might reconsider. I do not downplay the importance of ones hereditary lands and legacy, and would not dissuade you from seeking to reclaim what is yours. Still I have found you a most adept player, both as a rival and a subordinate. I have led Clan Olumnach to its current prosperity in large part by recognizing and cultivating impressive talent.

He glanced back at the two gentlemen waiting in the near distance, who looked none too pleased with the direction this conversation was taking, but refrained from raising any objection while their master was speaking.

Should you begin to question the worth of returning to your homeland with your newfound army, I would offer you a place here. Once I am Archlord of Dount, expelling the bandits as planned would help solidify my rulebut then, so would keeping them as the orderly, well-controlled force you have wrought of them. In fact, with you as my left hand overseeing the underworld, the ambitions of Clan Olumnach need not be limited to this one island. I take pride, Lord Seiji, in rewarding generously those who have served me well.

Huh. That wasactually interesting. If anything, what surprised me most was that hed managed to surprise me.

Was this a legitimate offer, or was he just trying to lull me into unwariness so he could better pull off the betrayal he was already planning? Obviously it didnt matter, in and of itself; this guy was orders of magnitude below my pay grade and I was not planning to keep him around. But it was worth keeping in mind that he might be capable of other surprises before all was said and done, and more immediately, I needed to outwardly react to this as I would if things were as Id led him to believe.

As you say, Highlord, a legacy is not so easily abandoned.

I hesitated, deliberately, looking away and then back at him.

Butthe journey is prohibitively long. Pause again, put on a face like I was actually wrestling with a dilemma, and Iwill consider it.

Caldimer inclined his head graciously, smiling the smile of a man who imagined himself in control. Do. I shall trust in your ability to find your own way out. Come, gentlemen.

I watched the nobles go for a moment before turning away and heading out to my extraction point. Yeah, I would definitely need to keep an eye on himand it probably wouldnt hurt to check in with Norovena again, and reaffirm our scheme to deflect the blame for any of my upcoming crimes onto Olumnach. For now, though, I had to consider this matter settled and move on.

Before I could begin properly ripping the island out from under Caludon Aelthwyn I had one more loose end to tie up, and I very much feared she was going to be a real showstopper.